There’s nothing really special happened today except that my Math prof did some ‘sharing’ during our class. I planned on bringing my board today but probably I’ll just do it tomorrow.
Summer is very special for me. I can really feel the good vibes in the air. I think it’ll be also the perfect time to do interesting stuff that I have been aching to do since forever. I don’t know if I already mentioned this on my previous posts, I really get bored easily. I like exploring and discovering new things, a lot.
Anyway, before sleeping last night, I thought of the stuff I want to achieve this summer like
• Learn how to play the guitar
• Restart my online business
• More skating sessions
• Batch outing
And of course the stuff I want to buy like
• The Perfect White Shirt
• Guitar lol
• Clothes… clothes… clothes…
I really want to enjoy this summer, even if I can’t go out of town because of summer classes. I’m sure I will.
Unlike normal teenage girls, I never dreamt of being a damsel in distress waiting for my prince or knight in shining armor to save me. I have always hated being pitied. I wanted to be the one who save others from their own loss and tragic flaws. To be that hero who has enough courage to put together the shattered hopes of someone who deserves happiness. To give comfort during the darkest times. To crumble every wall they have built to prove that there will be always someone willing to be with them and they don’t have to feel alone.
But it turns out I can’t even save myself.
I also have my demons, lots, living inside my funny little head. Tho I am trying really hard to conquer all of them, there’s always something that eats up my whole being during times of loneliness— the fear of the unknown. The uncertainty of the future. The inconsistensy of the things around me.
Everything will be okay in the end, they said. Just have a little faith, they said.
Every hero has a tragic history. And it seems like their tragedies were the ones who made them a hero. For someone like me who wanted to be one of them, is a tragedy, metaphorically or literally, really necessary?
Well the truth is, I like tragic endings.
I never expected to be close to someone during my stay here in UP so when you approached me for the first time, I kind of thought that we’ll never be more than acquiantances. To be honest, I thought you were the “Queen Bee” type but fortunately, I was wronged by how carefree and spontaneous (sometimes) you are… and how you loathe my neighbor “Queen Bee” with her so maarte accent. I really can’t remember what you asked the first time we had a conversation but I’ll never forget that that was the day I met a very special person.
Not to be cheesy or something, I really enjoy your company. Probably because we have the same interest with middle-aged hot guys and obsession with fictional characters. I don’t have any idea if you already know this, but I also like it when we’re together and we’re just quiet, doing our own shits. It feels like someone accepts the weird things I do. Yeah, thank you for that. It’s heart-warming really.
Remembering randomly our mis-adventures together with DG makes me smile in the most unexpected scenarios. You guys made me realize the happiness of being free and not giving a damn on things I should not be thinking of. I guess I already mentioned to you that last year was a great one and it’ll never be that rad without you.
You’re officially a year away to being officially legal today and I hope you’re somehow thankful of meeting a weirdo like me because even in another life, I’ll never regret meeting a weirder (is this even a word?) person like you. I don’t know where this little message of mine is going but all I want to say is that you’re a blessing for everyone who had a chance being your friend.
I hope that our Lord bless you and guide you to achieve all your life goals. You really deserve that, dude. Don’t let my beloved Math ruin all your dreams :p Tho I am not sure if I’ll be with you until you’re already where you want to be, I’ll be always here to support and remind you that everything will be okay in the end.
Happu Birthday Jelo! More misadventures to come :p
Summer classes started last week and everything seems familiar. I can’t say that I’m okay with our schedule, three bloody hours of Math everyday, since it’s just our second day today. But yep, so far so good. Hope that I’ll get through this with flying colors.
My professor mentioned in class that we are ALMOST sophomores. Damn. Time flies so fast, I can’t believe that I’ll turn legal this year and I still don’t know how to drive or cook something edible except from instant what not. That’s the thing why I don’t like celebrating my birthday that much. Birthday means that you get older and some changes are necessary. I don’t like changes. But what the heck could I do to hinder something inevitable? Nothing but to cope and move on and grow up tho I don’t have any idea how would I do that.
I am still doing my best to accomplish my goal for 2014: to reach out and meet new people. But I guess every damn thing’s backfiring regarding this quest of mine. Emotions are really messy, especially for someone like I who don’t know much about dealing with those. I am a say-it-to-my-face-so-I-could-consider-believing-it type of a person. I believe in my instincts somehow but of course I want proof. Is it really this hard to communicate? Because I think it’s harder to guess something I should know but no one bothers to inform me about it.
It feels like I’m new with this “mess with emotions” thingy. Sounds dumb and ridiculous but so damn true. My trust issues are just getting worse that sometimes I just don’t want to talk to anybody and just cry until my eyes get tired lol. Sometimes I just don’t care at all. I don’t know what the f is happening to me at the moment. It’s like there are two people inside my head and they just don’t want to get their shit together, they always contradict each other. It’s very confusing.
I have more important things to do but my unwanted-slash-non-sense dramas are getting in my way. Fucking idiot.
Things had been better these past weeks and it felt weird. I know I should feel glad about things turning out my way but all I could feel is guilt.
Guilt of having too much happiness.
I think it’s normal to have doubts for someone who experienced misery and struggles for the rest of her existence, isn’t it? I am starting to question why I am receiving too much when all I know is that all I did is to move on and conquered every battle I had one after another. I still remember every pain, every heartache, every hopes shattered. It felt like forever, fighting this unending chaos. Some war was against myself, some aren’t solved up to this point.
I am scared to what this happiness might cost. It’s always like that, eh? You’ll always pay the price. Sometimes I wish I am just being pessimistic, too pessimistic. A part of my brain says that this happiness is the fruit of being too lonely for a long time, this is my reward for being a strong little shit. Well of course, I prefer the latter idea but I just want to prepare myself if ever it’ll go the other way around. Tho I am not sure if I could bear the pain this time, I still have to expect that disappointments may strike again.
It hurts, knowing that you can’t have everything you want. That change is inevetable. It’s just very tiring most of the time. I know I have choices and I’m trying not to include giving up as one of my options.
It may seem weird to say but in some ways, this happiness is making me sad.
One more week and second sem will come to it’s end. I know it’s something not so nice to say, but I guess I didn’t enjoy this sem compared to my first one. I don’t know why. It felt like I just want all of this to end, then move on with life.
I am still bothered about certain things and I don’t really like it. They keep on distracting me, although I tried my best to focus on much more important things. It’s common to me not to care of what people say about me, either it’s good or something I wouldn’t want to hear. But this thing that I knew… it makes me feel guilty.
Emotions are really messy so I’m trying my best not to be involved, but I guess my weakness is really the honesty of a person. I consider my not being expressive of my feelings as one of my major flaws. It causes misunderstanding most of time, and of course I always end up blaming myself. I also have this attitude of not believing things that my instincts say. I mean, of course a part of me believe them but I show that I don’t. So it’s a favor for me when someone says what he/she really feels towards me. It makes me communicate better and think of workarounds regarding their concern. I don’t like conflicts that much.
The signs are there
But are they clear?
Things are going your way
Or is it just wishful thinking?
The spark is right there
But will it last?
I have been daydreaming a lot lately, thinking about things that I hope will come my way soon. I think it’s unhealthy but it helps me to avoid being lonely and worried about certain things.
We had our Formal Dinner last Friday together with other dormers. I had a lot of fun dancing all night tho my feet ached too much. It felt nice seeing everyone having a great time. The food was also good, I kind of regretted that I can’t eat a lot.
Yesterday was a very awesome day too. We went swimming with our relatives to celebrate my cousin’s birthday. It’s my first time to swim alone, since everybody was busy enjoying the event. I really appreciated swimming yesterday, and I think it had the same effect to me like running. It kept my mind relaxed and my body trusting my head. So I can say I really liked it, but it didn’t change my mind on not taking swimming as a PE class.
On other news, well, I guess it’s not really new. I am still confused about my emotions about this matter I already consulted you before. I still don’t know what to do but I just want to get rid of it. It’s very… uncomfortable, feeling this way. I don’t like it. But I admit, I do like it sometimes. But I try not to like it. See? It’s very confusing.
I hope you still help me regarding this silly matter. I know it’s kind of impossible but I am still hoping that you’ll give me answers. I still don’t know what to do.
I hope you’re doing great. Hope to hear from you as soon as possible.
Adventure Time Tag from a shirt given by one of my pain in the ass college friends. It’s Jake and it’s a cutie, fits me tho I’m not into “just-right-fit shirts”.
UP Fair 2014 tickets. I think I already blogged about that. (x)
Bride For Rent Cinema Ticket. That day was spontaneous. I’m with my other college friend and we didn’t plan to watch cinema that day but yeah, we did. And we didn’t regret it.
Adora’s Give-away Tag. It has been a wonderful night. Also served as a mini reunion for our batch. Had an overnight in the debutante’s place after the party. But I wasn’t able to sleep, of course.
Bus Ticket. My travel after a not-so-long weekend (for me).
I am so fcking pissed right now.
Bakit ba sa lahat ng tao, ikaw pa? Bakit ang hilig mong mangialam sa mga bagay na wala ka namang alam? Bakit hindi ka marunong i-consider ang nararamdaman ng iba? Bakit ang hina mong umintindi?
Putangina naman. I wish I never trusted you. Hindi ko ineexpect na aabot sa ganito. I’m tired of all your bullshits in life pero please lang, ‘wag mo na akong idamay sa mga kagaguhan mo, okay? Wala kang alam. Bitch, there’s more than what meets the eye. Pwede ka namang magtanong kung totoo man ‘yung ikakalat mong balita eh. Pero damn, bakit pinangungunahan mo pa ako sa mga bagay na ako dapat ang may alam?
Ganun na ba kakitid ‘yang utak mo?
Kung tingin mo sobrang kilala mo na ako noon mula talampakan hanggang bawat hibla ng buhok ko, nagbago na lahat ‘yun ngayon. Ayaw kong sabihin ‘to pero sana maglaho na lang bigla lahat ng putanginang pinagsamahan natin dahil sinara mo na lahat. Hindi mo ba masara ‘yang bibig mo? Wala kang karapatang mag-judge dahil wala ka sa lugar. At hindi ka na mapupunta sa lugar na ‘yun, ever.
Sa sobrang galit at inis ko, pakiramdam ko ay hindi kita babatiin sa birthday mo. Wala na akong pakialam dahil ayaw ko nang magalit pa sa’yo. Maramdaman ko lang ‘yung presensya mo, gusto ko na lumayo. Sobrang nakaka-bad vibes lahat sa’yo. Nung una akala ko ako ‘yung may problema. Pero damn, may sapat pala, o sobra pa ngang rason para kamuhian kita to death.
Sorry. Pero ako ba talaga ang dapat humingi ng tawad?
Sana hindi tayo umabot sa point na masusuntok na lang kita bigla.
Sobra na talaga eh.
I ignore you because there’s a signboard stuck on your forehead saying I should ignore all your bullshits and pathetic issues.
Normal are those who love and want to be loved back equally or more than what they could give.
Not normal are those who solely believe that unconditional love exists, or don’t love at all.
It’s a predictable world, no, the people around are predictable. They involve to the unfair competition of searching for a mate, probably for security, happiness, sake of not being alone or whatnot. It’s okay. I don’t judge them. Maybe it’s just not my thing. As of the moment.
I want a thrill. The odd kind of thrill.
A week ago. UDD @ Roots 2014. Most awesome set that night. #UPFAIR